Day Twenty Two

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

I am posting this letter NOT to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am posting this letter because I feel like I need to get it out.

To those who have asked the questions.

When are you having Children? Why don’t you have Children? Do you not like Children, is that why you don’t have any? You’re Mormon, aren’t you supposed to have like 10 kids by now? How long have you been married? What’s wrong with you, how come you don’t have kids? Do you want my kids, they are driving me crazy. How lucky for you to not have kids to worry about.

And many, many more along the same line…

These are the people who have hurt me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, over the last 10 years, and to those individuals I write this letter.

I have had to endure years of pain, tears, heartache and not understanding why we have been given this trial. I know that this life is a test, but I sometimes feel like we’ve been given more than our fair share, and all I’ve ever wanted my entire life is to be a Mother. So, when people ask me these awful questions, sometimes I answer with a snarky response, merely to brush it off and get through the moment until I can go lock myself away somewhere and cry. And once I get that out of my system, I have to go on and keep living life, meanwhile still feeling the sting.

I know that through this trial, I have been forced to learn and grow, and become closer to my Heavenly Father in the process. I may not ever understand why I haven’t been able to have children, but I do know that at some point I will be a mother.

I have recently found others who are going through similar trials in my life, and from them have been able to learn and grow. I found these words the other day and though it perfectly described my feelings regarding infertility and deserved to be included in my letter.

The most painful are from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."

Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Author unknown

So, to those who ask the questions that hurt me, and my spirit, I want you to know that it hurts, so when I answer you with “When I know, you will know”. Please know it’s my way of getting through the pain.

I hope that those who read this letter can understand where I'm coming from, and know that this is something that I've wanted to share for a long time. This is a difficult and challenging subject for many, and I appreciate the love, prayers and support in our behalf.

Love,

Amberly